


Childbearing Hips

by DoctorV



Series: Archive: Doc's Old-Ass Fake News Fic (Daily Show, Colbert Report, etc.) [10]
Category: Fake News FPF, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Cognitive Dissonance, Denial, F/F, Stephanie Going To A Lot Of Trouble To Not Admit She's A Lesbian And Wants To Raise Babies With Joan, While Also Talking Joan Into Having Babies With Her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 00:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13986222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: "Stephanie" discusses co-mothering and the fortuitousness of Joan's childbearing hips.





	Childbearing Hips

**Author's Note:**

> Archiving some old old OLD fanfic of mine. This was originally posted to LiveJournal 04/15/2009, with the author's note:  
> "Prompt was "If you want to do another little piece on Raven/crossdressing, that would be more than OK with me." Ehhh, close enough?"

"Maybe I could ask my Nation for potential sperm donors," Stephanie mused quietly. "At least then I'd _know_ it was it-getter DNA."

 

Joan made a non-committal noise as she petted Stephanie's head, pillowed on her lap.

 

"I just don't have childbearing _hips_." She shifted to look up at Joan, frowning.

 

Obligingly, Joan reached over to pat Stephanie's hip. "You have very _nice_ hips." It was true. Stephanie was quite an attractive woman. The ravages of middle age had yet to really find and visit their wrath upon her, despite her age.

 

Appeased, Stephanie shifted back and sighed. "But they're not _childbearing_ ," she said. "Nothing like _yours_."

 

"... _Thanks_ ," Joan replied flatly, then resumed petting. "Look, if you're worried about your figure, you could just _adopt_."

 

Stephanie frowned thoughtfully. "But then how could I pass on my amazing genes? Unless..." She shifted to look up at Joan again. "Is it possible to _inject_ DNA into a child?"

 

"Uh...probably not," Joan said slowly. "And at best, it's ethically ambiguous."

 

"Hm, you have a point, so adoption's out." Stephanie sighed. "Looks like I have no other choice. If I want to have a child, I have to find an it-getter with good sperm, impregnate one of my eggs, and then put it into your womb."

 

"Well— _What?!_ "

 

"I _said_ you have childbearing _hips_ , Joan," Stephanie said impatiently, frowning up at her. "Try to keep up."

 

"But-But I don't—"

 

"Of course I wouldn't exclude you from participating in my child's life _after_ the birth." Stephanie paused, eyes flicking away for a moment before meeting Joan's, a rare vulnerability stealing onto her features. "After all, you _would_ , sort of, in a technical sense... _also_ be the mother."

 

Joan froze, understanding suddenly hitting her over the head and squeezing her heart. "Um..."

 

Huffing softly, Stephanie muttered, "Why couldn't you have been a _man_?"

 

Startled and still reeling, Joan took longer than usual to answer. "Because no man could possibly have a laugh as girly as mine?"

 

"People would just find it adorable," Stephanie scoffed. "Besides, everything would be so much _easier_ if you were a man."

 

"Right, I might be tall enough to look my guests in the eye without a _step stool_."

 

"We could have a normal, heterosexual marriage and-and you're permissive and unconventional enough that you wouldn't make me give up my show, or my Nation," Stephanie continued, oblivious. "I know you're a godless, liberal heathen, but we could make it _work_!"

 

"But...I'm _not_ a man," Joan reminded her gently. Her heart suddenly ached for the woman, who was at times caught in the cognitive dissonance of believing women should be submissive and not be in positions of power and _being_ a loud, opinionated woman in a position of power. Stephanie was good at ignoring things she didn't want to think about, but the fear still lurked that she would have to give up the job she loved to become a stay-at-home mom who deferred to a good Catholic husband and was told not to worry her pretty little head about anything, her thoughts and feelings dismissed as silly female prattle.

 

Stephanie sat up suddenly, staring at Joan with wide, hopeful eyes. "You _could_ be," she said. "The surgery can't be _that_ expensive. And it would totally be worth it!"

 

Staring at her in disbelief, Joan said, "You're kidding."

 

"You've already got pretty butch hair."

 

Joan lifted a hand to self-consciously touch her greying hair. Stephanie's hair was longer, professional yet feminine and shoulder length. Joan usually just went for practicality and convenience, which for her meant less hair for her to somehow mess up. (She had tried growing it out once but, despite the best efforts of the show's hair and makeup people, it had always been messy by the end of the show.) Something suddenly occurred to her. "Wait, is this _before_ or _after_ I have your baby?" she asked.

 

"Good point." Stephanie rested her head on Joan's shoulder as she pondered it over. "Ideally it would be _before_ , that way the baby wouldn't be born out of wedlock."

 

"Naturally," Joan muttered, hoping this was an idea Stephanie would quickly grow bored with.

 

Lifting her head, Stephanie slipped her hand into Joan's and asked softly, "Joan, you _would_ want to help raise my baby...wouldn't you?"

 

Joan sighed and brought her free hand up to cup Stephanie's cheek. "Of course. I wouldn't want to be a bad, uh... _co_ -mother."

 

The delighted grin Stephanie gave Joan, before leaning forward to kiss her, almost made up for the fact that Joan had a sneaking suspicion she had just agreed to rent out her womb.


End file.
